I'm Going to be a Saint.......Someday

I've always had troubles getting to reconciliation, until I scheduled it into my calendar. With that one repeating calendar event, I had to go right? Before that I made sure to make it when there were scheduled reconciliation events, like during advent and lent. So the scheduled part seemed to be the key. But I still struggled, thinking I'd had a good month, was feeling pretty good about myself. I made myself go anyway and finally came up with a few things I had done wrong. I realized I had wanted to forget about them, but I couldn't tell the Lord, "Oops, did I do that?" so to reconciliation I went. The wonderful graces of the sacrament freshly given, I felt cheerful. I thought I have the saint thing down. I'm never going to sin again, I don't even want to sin anymore. God is awesome!

Until I got home. Then that same thing that I have to confess every single time pops up again, I begin to argue with my poor dear husband. About the dishes not being washed, because that's something to loose my temper over. The poor dog is anxious about our argument, and instead of spending my few precious hours home enjoying my daughter I've just upset her as well. I feel depressed, I've messed up again, tripped so soon. I feel like Jesus is sighing with a small sad frown in His eyes. But out the door I go to carry on with my busy life. I arrive at the RCIA class to support my friend who hopes to join the Church at Easter. I still feel bummed about my stupid argument, but as I listen to the short introduction stories of each of the people in the room coming to learn about the Church I feel a real joy. These beautiful people are on their own stumbling roads toward sainthood, and it's beautiful to see what has brought them to this place. I wanted to give every one of them a hug as I sat quietly and listened.

Then the weekend comes, and I'm feeling better. I tripped a bit, but I think I've been pretty good since then. The song at church says, "Jesus, Jesus, come to me, All my longing is for Thee", but as I sang I could not put my whole heart into those lyrics. Other things that I long for presented themselves in my mind immediately. I long to be with my baby Elisha, I long to discard this cross of abstinence that my placenta previa has forced on us and be once again intimate with my husband, I long for the silly phone game to release its next update. I do long for closeness with God, but it seems I allow these other longings to compete. Just when I think there is not much further for me to go toward this thing called sainthood, my Lord gently shows my in a beautiful song just how far I have to go. I'm not in sight of the narrow gate yet, may God continue to guide me and each other person toward that place in which we hope.

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